———–<.thom & ophi.>———–

UP LATE, LATE AT NIGHT!

Season 01, Episode 01

Act III

By Thomas Typewriter & Ophidia Operahouse-Typewriter

(c) 2020

———–<:typehouse:>———–

FADE IN

INT. COMMUNITY COLLEGE UNIVERSITY MAIN ENTRANCE. NIGHT

OPEN ON A CS OF THE SIGNBOARD

A signboard in front of the Local College main hallway. It bears the college title and logo on top, with various flyers posted to the side. The signboard itself reads as follows:

FUEL ECONOMICS 101
ROOM MPG-54.5
——–>
TRAFFIC SCHOOL
ROOM MPG-27.5
<——-

TRANSITION FROM ENTRANCE TO CLASSROOM

INT. COMMUNITY COLLEGE UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM MPG-27.5. NIGHT

OPEN ON A MS OF THE FRONT OF THE CLASSROOM

We can divide the sets into two sections here. The first section will be the front of the classroom which has a desk and wide chalkboard while the second section or the back of the classroom contains the rows of desks and chairs.

D-COP Stands at a podium at the front of the class. B-COP sits on the desk behind him. On the chalkboard is written “Traffic School…RULES”
The back half of the classroom is divided into two rows, with the front row being lower than the back row. In the front row sits three students, stage-left to stage-right: CASS-E, GIBLETS, and L.P. In the second row, stage-left to stage-right sit: V-HESS, JEWELCASE, B-RAY, and CLAMSHELL.

D-COP
“Hello everyone.”

CUT TO LS OF THE SECOND SECTION OR BACK OF THE CLASSROOM

EVERYONE
“Hello.”

D-COP
“Welcome to traffic school. I am your instructor D-Cop. This is my career partner B-Cop and we will be teaching this class. Before we go any further, lets take roll call shall we. Cass-E?”

CUT TO CS OF CASS-E

Cass-E sits at her desk, wearing cracked eyeglasses, a large neck brace and three bandages. Multiple bottles of pills and vitamins sit atop her desk area.

CASS-E
“Here”

CUT BACK TO CS OF D-COP

D-COP
“Giblets.”

CUT TO CS OF GIBLETS.

Giblets lays unconscious on top of his desk.

CUT BACK TO CS OF D-COP

D-COP
“Oh yeah, the turkey. Moving on. L.P.”

L.P. is a 12″ vinyl record dressed like a witch from an old fairy tale. On either side of her sit HANSEL and GRETEL coloring in coloring books. Hansel and Gretel are made from 7″ vinyl records.

L.P.
“Here. This is the babysitter training class right?”

CUT TO CS OF D-COP

D-COP
“No. It’s traffic school.”

CUT TO CS OF L.P.

L.P.
“Uh-oh. But I promised these kids I’d take them to my candy house after taking a babysitting class.”

HANSEL AND GRETEL
(chanting) “Candy, candy, candy…”

CUT TO CS OF CASS-E

CASS-E
“Are those your kids?”

CUT TO HANSEL AND GRETEL

HANSEL
“She found us in the woods.”

GRETEL
“The birds ate our trail of breadcrumbs and we got lost. Then we found this nice lady.”

CUT TO CS OF CASS-E

CASS-E
“That sounds like kidnapping.”

CUT TO L.P.

L.P.
“Uhhh…”

CUT TO CS OF B-COP

B-COP
“I don’t like the sound of this.”

CUT TO MS OF ROOM

Everyone is staring at L.P. as she stammers. After a few moments, L.P. gets up and runs out of the classroom.

CUT TO CS OF D-COP

D-COP
“Okay. Moving on.

B-COP
“Aren’t we going to do something about that kidnapping? We are cops after all.”

D-COP
“No time. Too much to teach. Moving on. V-Hess.”

CUT TO CS OF V-HESS

V-Hess, a VHS cassette, wears a cut off jean jacket and hockey mask. His shirt and jacket is covered in horror film characters or images.

V-HESS
“Here. So when do we get to see the car crashes and the dead bodies?”

CUT TO CS OF GRETEL AND HANSEL

GRETEL
“Maybe we should get him to give us a ride home. He sounds like a bad boy.”

HANSEL
(chanting)”Bad boy! Bad Boy! Bad Boy!”

CUT TO CS OF D-COP

D-COP
“No, all of you. We are not watching videos of car crashes and little girl do not go home with him. Moving on…Jewelcase. Jewelcase?”

CUT TO CS OF JEWELCASE

Jewelcase, a CD case wearing comically too large pastel colored glasses and a large boifant of white hair, sits at her desk. She is looking around the room.

CUT TO CS OF D-COP

D-COP
“Jewelcase.”

CUT TO CS OF JEWELCASE

She stares around the room.

CUT BACK TO D-COP

D-COP
“Jewelcase. (louder) Jewelcase.”

CUT TO CS OF JEWELCASE

She leans over towards B-Ray. B-Ray, a blu-ray disc, dressed in a light jacket. He has small puppets on the desk around him.

JEWELCASE
“I think they’re calling your name. You better say here before he gets mad. Wouldn’t want to start the first day on a bad note.”

B-RAY
“Uh, here.”

CUT BACK TO D-COP

D-COP
“Finally. Moving on…B-Ray.”

CUT TO MS OF BOTH JEWELCASE AND B-RAY

JEWELCASE
“Here.”

B-Ray turns in surprise and stares at Jewelcase before turning to one of his puppets, Mr. Puppet.

B-RAY
“Can you believe the nerve of some people?”

MR. PUPPET
(B-RAY DOING THE VOICE IN A BAD VENTRILOQUIST WAY) “I know. It’s enough to make you give up on talking to other people altogether.”

CUT BACK TO CS OF D-COP

D-COP
“Clamshell.”

CUT TO CS OF CLAMSHELL

Clamshell, a videocassette case only wearing dark glasses and pants, responds.

CLAMSHELL
“Here. And can I say I think your right. You got that thing. Got that thing figured out and I want to figure it out. Then we’ll both have that thing. Two things. Two’s better than one. Want to be like you. Starting now. Right now. Gotta get the thing.”

CUT BACK TO D-COP

D-COP
“Ookkaayy. Now that we’re settled in let me explain about the class. You all are here because you are the worst of the worst drivers on the road. Real slime under my boot. But that’s gonna change. B-Cop is going to change you. I’m going to change you. We’re gonna push you guys like you’ve never been pushed before. Some of you are gonna wish I was dead. I eat quitters for breakfast and I spit out their bones.”

B-COP
“Are you quoting Mike Ditka from Kicking and Screaming”

D-COP
(pause)”Its a good film. It was number one in Sight & Sound’s 2012 poll of The GREATEST FILMS EVER MADE.”

B-COP
“That’s weird because I was actually part of that poll and I remember Vertigo being number one.”

D-COP
“Changing subjects, we have a lot of material, so lets get started.”

INSERT “21 HOURS LATER…” INTERSTITIAL CARD

D-COP
“And so that ends our first lesson, “What to do before driving your car.”

CUT TO LS OF ALL THE STUDENTS

ALL STUDENTS
(groan)

CUT TO CS OF V-HESS AND CASS-E

V-HESS
“I can’t take anymore of this guy. Meet me Saturday, we’re going to take care of him. Pass it on.”

CASS-E nods and walks off towards the other students. V-Hess exits stage-left. Cass-E exits stage right.

FADE OUT