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Up Late, Late At Night

an abstract on treasure versus trash in modern film

Episode 002

Act II

By Thomas Typewriter & Ophidia Typewriter-Operahouse

(c) 2026 Jason Arcand & Suzanne Arcand
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FADE IN TO BLACK

FADE IN

EXT. TRUCC NUTZ HIGHWAY AND ON-RAMP, DAYTIME

LS OF THE HIGHWAY AND ON-RAMP

The highway stands empty. From stage-left enters a semi-truck covered in logos for KON-SATOSHI ELECTRONICS. It drives down the highway exiting stage-right. A few moments after, from the on-ramp, quickly drive up the three souped-up street racing cars of The Tuna Sandwich No Crust Boys criminal gang. Each car bears the logo of the gang: the letters “TSNCBOIYZ” and a cartoon image of a tuna fish with thick hair on the side of its head but a bald spot across the top of its head. They speed after the semi, exiting stage-right.

TRANSITION FROM HIGHWAY TO THE OFFICE

INT. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF’S OFFICE, DAYTIME
A flicker goes across the frame as the image shifts to the appearance of an image on an older television.

PAN OUT

The image of the highway is now shown to be a video playing on a small television in the offices of LASER EDITOR, the editor-in-chief and publisher of “The Modern Sexy Little Miss’s Information Tabloid”. The office is lined with filing cabinets and taxidermy eagles, turkeys and one hummingbird. All the taxidermy eagles and one hummingbird are holding American Flags in their talons or beaks. The mounted turkeys are holding the Don’t Tread On Me flags. A large potted plants sits nestled between two filing cabinets. Laser Desks very solid looking desk sits over by the filing cabinets. The television sits on top of a rolling dolly. The main wall of the room contains the door and frosted windows. On the door is written in letters, in reverse to those inside the room, “LASER EDITOR – EDITOR-IN-CHIEF & PUBLISHER” The Laser Editor walks across to the television and turns it off.

CUT TO LS OF THE ROOM

B-Reporter and D-HACK are sitting in chairs watching Laser Editor turn off the TV.

B-REPORTER
“Why are you turning it off? There has been a 300% increase in electronic thefts in Dieselvania county, almost entirely from shipping trucks. Additionally there has been a surge in stolen bicycles. Something is going on. This is news.”

LASER EDITOR
“No, this is boring. We need something that can sell the papers. Something modern. Something sexy. Something little.”

B-REPORTER
“Are you hearing this D-Hack. I can’t believe this. You talk me into coming to your Aunt’s paper claiming she’s changing the paper. Real reporting. A real chance to make a difference. Do you remember that? Cause it sure sounds like that was a lie.”

D-HACK
“Yes, I said that but maybe she has a good point. She always has the best ideas.”

LASER EDITOR
“Stop sucking up you spineless wimp. Why can’t you be more like your friend? She actually has a drive and purpose. Principals.”

D-HACK
“Those are good points. B-Reporter, can I borrow your notebook so I can write this down.”

B-Reporter reaches over the Laser Editor’s desk and grabs a pen and notepad. She hands it to D-Hack.

LASER EDITOR
“Oh, now you’re being petty.”

D-HACK
“Ok, what was I supposed to be more like.”

B-REPORTER
“More like me. Beautiful, charming, intelligent, talented, gifted, determined to break the big story that changes the world and uncover the true grime hidden under the stones that civilization is built upon.”

CUT TO CS OF D-HACK WRITING ON THE NOTEPAD

D-Hack is trying to write down all these notes on a notepad that is much too small. He twists and turns the thing trying to fit all the notes on it.

D-HACK
(notes to self as scribbling away) “Be more beautiful…going to need to order some facial masks maybe for that one, charming, intelligent…do they make brain pills? Need to look that up.”

CUT BACK TO MS OF LASER EDITOR

Laser Editor gets frustrated with D-Hack and grabs the pen and notepad out of his hands and throws it away.

LASER EDITOR
“Cut that out. And you, you could stand to be more like D-Hack. He has no morals, no outrage, nothing getting in the way of writing a story that will sell. And that is what we need, what you need. You think you are going to write some story about greed and corruption that is going to change everyone’s life. Well Mister Investigative Reporter, how can you do that if no one is reading the paper your story is in? Answer me that? And more importantly, how can I have a hot tub installed in my private helicopter if my paper does not sell millions and millions of issues.”

B-REPORTER
“A hot tub in a helicopter? That makes no sense. The downwash is like over sixty miles per hour. All the water would blow out of the tub. Additionally, everyone would slosh out when it makes turns.”

D-HACK
“That’s a great idea.”

LASER EDITOR
“Thank you, nephew. Now, take a look at this. Just came into my possession today. I have a contact over at the local news affiliate in Dieselvania. I may have made his quote-unquote wife disappearing potential homicide story into a giant sewer alligator eats local wife story.” 

B-REPORTER
“That is awful.”

D-HACK
“Good job Aunt. You’re always thinking of the angles. Making the smart bets.”

LASER JUDGE
“You bet I am. And it always pays off. Here, take a look at this.”

Laser Judge walks over to her desk and pulls out a videocassette from within a bottom drawer. She puts it into the TV and presses play.

ZOOM IN ON THE TELEVISION AND CUT TO…

EXT. THE LONELY DOOR IN THE WOODS, DAYTIME
A door frame sits alone in a wild and deep woods. In the distance can be heard the sounds of freeway traffic because all the forests and woods in Dieselvania are near highways and interstates. BRO-POD, an mp3 player wearing a college athletic jersey and proud member of the Omega Omega Ohm fraternity, enters the frame drinking multiple beers. His beers are a six-pack with the beer still on the plastic ring. All six are open and slosh beer into his mouth, face, and shirt when he attempts to drink. Out of the frame is Bro-Pod’s fellow fraternity brother FRAT-DECK. If he were to be seen, he would be a Tape Desk wearing a college athletic jersey similar to Bro-pod’s.

BRO-POD
“You getting this man.”

FRAT-DECK
(from off-camera) “Yeah man, I am getting this. This is going to be great.”

BRO-POD
“We’re going to be legends.”

FRAT-DECK
“Let’s do it. Misanthrope University Rules!”

BRO-POD
“I am Bro-Pod and I am going to open the lonely door in the forest. This is for all my boys at Miskatonic University. Love you guys. Screaming Nyarlathoteps forever!”

FRAT DECK
(from off-camera, shouts) “OMEGA OMEGA OHM!”

BRO-POD
(shouts) “OMEGA OMEGA OHM!”

Bro-Pod starts pushing on the door but it won’t budge.

FRAT-DECK
(from off-camera) “Come on man, open the door.”

BRO-POD
“I’m trying man.”

FRAT-DECK
(from off-camera) “You’re ruining it man.”

Then there is a loud roar from behind the door

FRAT-DECK
(from off-camera) “What was that?”

BRO-POD
“Its the door. I think I budged it.”

Just then the door explodes off the frame and flies into the camera Frat-Deck is holding. Bro-Pod can be seen knocked into the air. The door knocks over and lands on Frat-Deck. 

THE CAMERA SPINS THROUGH THE AIR AND LANDS AT AN ANGLE.

The broken door and part of Frat-Deck can be seen in front of the camera. COMBO-STEIN, a Frankenstein like monster made from a VCR/DVD combo player, in silhouette, can be seen screaming and running through the busted door and out of the frame. Bro-Pod is just visible sticking out of a shrub in the distance.

BRO-POD
“Miskatonic University…”

FRAT-DECK
“Omega Omega Ohm…”

CUT BACK

ZOOM BACK OUT OF TELEVISION TO FULL SHOT OF ROOM

The Laser Editor ejects the tape.

LASER EDITOR
“Now that is a story that will sell papers.”

B-REPORTER
“Story? How is that a story? A door fell on some dudes.”

LASER EDITOR
“Yes. A door falls in the woods and no one hears it, no story. But a door falls in the woods and two nut sacks hear it, that’s a story.”

D-HACK
“That’s a great idea aunt. Headline: Monster Rampages honor students in the woods. Are you next?”

LASER EDITOR
“Yes, yes, YES! I knew you’d get it. but you (points at B-Reporter) You are going to need a little sweetness to say yes. Get me this story and you can finally write that piece you’ve been bugging me about.”

B-REPORTER
“Wait. Are you serious? I’ll finally be able to write about how the MK Ultra program worked to brainwash everyone into thinking Inception is a nesting doll story of layered realities when in actuality it is the linear story of what happened to Jack Dawson after Rose pushed him off that door. When he sank into those frozen waters.”

D-HACK
“Really. That’s what you’re going to use your blank check on. That doesn’t even make sense. ”

B-REPORTER
“It makes perfect sense. At the end of Titanic, Jack sinks into the water and then Inception opens with him washing up on shore. The currents where the Titanic sunk would have pulled his body towards Europe with its sandy beaches, which match the sandy beach he wakes up on in Inception.”

LASER EDITOR
“Okay, well that is something.”

B-REPORTER
“Makes more sense than a hot tub in a helicopter.”

LASER EDITOR
“Don’t test me B. Now, here are your tickets and accommodations. You leave right now.”

D-HACK
“I’ll have to stop back at the apartment to pack.”

B-REPORTER
“I’ll ride with you.”

They leave the office. Laser Editor watches them leave and then goes to sit down at her desk.

CUT TO MS OF LASER EDITOR AT DESK

Opening a drawer she pulls out a bottle of alcohol and a glass. She starts to pour herself a drink when the potted plant behind her starts to wiggle. The plant moves up revealing MR. COIN, an oversized novelty coin wearing a fedora, sunglasses, and a trench coat. He looks over at Laser Editor

MR COIN
“Now, you’re not going to actually publish that article on Titanic and Inception are you. It would not do for attention to be brought to our group’s efforts to persuade the public of what is true and not true as it pertains to those particulars.”

LASER EDITOR
“Nope. I’ll tow the line.”

MR COIN
“Excellent.”

Mr. Coin lowers his head back down into the potted plant. Laser Editor drinks her glass slowly. Once done, she sets the glass down on her desk.

CUT TO CS OF THE EMPTY GLASS

FADE OUT

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